living large

Human social instincts are paradoxical. On the one hand, it is quite natural and common for human beings to make sacrifices for others. On the other hand, the very biological traits that predispose us to loyalty and kindness can turn us into ruthless killers if we believe that people we care about are threatened. The true spirit of a warrior is less about hatred of the enemy than it is about love for his own tribe or nation. Some of the worst wars ever fought were waged in the name of a loving god.

If we examine the paradox of our social instincts more deeply, we discover an even greater paradox than that love for one's own can translate into murderous hatred of everybody else. Human altruism is paradoxically selfish at its core. That might sound cynical, but the take-home point is not about diminishing the nobility of altruists; instead, it is a useful insight by which we can construct a realistic and sustainable rationale for morally virtuous choices and thereby strengthen the human capacity for benevolence. The question shifts from how to find the right balance between selfishness and unselfishness toward how to pursue both in a way that enhances each of them.

In general, win/win solutions are more likely to succeed and are more stable than win/lose approaches that pit our own interests directly against those of others in a zero sum competition which allows us to win only to the exact extent that someone else loses. Asking people to be noble and support win/lose choices that involve setting aside what they want for themselves and for the people they care about for the sake of some abstract good inspires healthy skepticism, but inviting them to make personal sacrifices for the sake of the common welfare from which they tangibly benefit can tap into a deep well of extraordinary largess.

Most of us, at least in moments when fear is not driving the bus, welcome opportunities to enlarge our worlds. We don't want to view the world through the lens of fear and pessimism. We want to be defined by what we love and by what we have to offer rather than by our hatred or our cruel indifference. Deep down, we know that our greatest happiness does not come from the possessions we pitifully cling to; instead, it comes with feeling like what we do makes a positive difference. Wanting that happiness is the ultimate selfishness.